Zorro

I saw Legend of Zorro, or Revenge of Zorro or Banderas Rides Again or Zorro Unmasked or whatever it was called, this weekend. To say nothing of the money, it was a waste of two perfectly good hours, though not quite bad enough to joins the club of sequels-that-should-never-have-been-made.

Spoilers follow, but given that I hope to dissuade you from seeing it, I in no way apologize.

As always, Banderas and Zeta-Jones demonstrated that they are good at acting, good looking, and fun to watch. They also had a few good lines (e.g., when Zorro's son, who doesn't know he is Zorro, springs him from his jail cell, then watches with amazement as his dad unexpectedly displays martial skills in getting out of the building, Zorro replies with, "Prison changes a man.") But these things can only go so far to make up for an awful story.

First, I will dispense with some easy targets. The movie started off badly, with the bogey of Anachronistic Weapons. While this anachronism is funny in Spaghetti Westerns such as The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly, having the rapier-and-sharp-edged-hat hero face a Henry (lever action) Rifle in 1850 in the first five minutes of the flick gave the movie a definite acid-on-the-tongue taste. Additionally (as pointed out by Ceil), in 1850, the Pinkerton Detective Agency was still local to Chicago, and was still working largely in the railroad larceny niche market, not involved in federal covert ops.

The story line and themes of the movie were the real losers, though. The first hour of the movie was spent watching Zeta-Jones get fed up with Banderas' Zorro fixation, arguing about his letting his hero-stuff get in the way of his family priorities, that she worried about him not coming home some day, etc. She then divorces him (maybe I didn't pay close enough attention, but they didn't seem to work out the who-gets-the-house details, and while I haven't researched it, I would put better than even odds on divorce being really hard to get in pre-US Catholic/Spanish California) and starts going out with another guy. The amount and intensity of "making out," while perhaps not unusual in a movie, was a little hard to stomach given the triangulation involved. One can only hope that she washed her mouth out with soap and water between guys.

For Banderas' character, being Don Alejandro was simply the means by which he could carry out his pursuit of equity and defense of the weak as Zorro. It was who he was. His wife Elena knew that going into the marriage. When she demanded that he give that up, then, she was breaching her marriage covenant to honor who he was. The movie has him being right in the end and everyone in the family reaching some sort of copacetic peace, but there is no reason to spend two hours getting there.

Her major complaint seems to be that his son doesn't know who he is, that is, that the mask is between himself and his son. Decisions on when to tell children certain things are important and always open for legitimate discussion and debate between spouses or other responsible adults. A particular child may not have the necessary background, maturity, and skills to properly assimilate, use, and be responsible for the information. The most recent Harry Potter book illustrates this well, with Dumbledore, justifiedly initially, holding off on talking to Potter about his role in the war against Voldemort. Mistakes in timing should be corrected and forgiveness sought, but they are inevitable and should be charitably treated by all parties involved.

We find out at the end of the movie that Elena was also under some duress because she was being blackmailed with the exposure of Alejandro as Zorro; this source of duress she had refused to reveal to Zorro. As an excuse, this is pathetic at best. First, one would think that if Zorro could deal with an international secret society (on this point, the similarities to Nick Cage's National Treasure assisted in the boredom factor, although I suppose there are only so many available story lines out there...) or the hacienda system's upper crust (in the previous movie), he could have taken care of a handful of Pinkertons. But second and more importantly, Elena hiding her decision to "protect" him and the circumstances behind her decision reveal a fundamental lack of trust Elena had in Alejandro and his ability to make intelligent decisions in consultation with her. Watching this kind of soap-opera distrust for two hours is worse than boring, it is painful.

It is my earnest hope that they do not come out with Zorro III - the caped crusader in New York, as was foreshadowed in a conversation between the hero and his lady (why is it that sequels taking place in New York seem to always take a set of characters to new lows?).