Top Tips

(courtesy in part of Viz magazine)

Don't waste money on expensive iPods. Simply think of your favourite tune and hum it. If you want to "switch tracks", simply think of another song you like and hum that instead.

Cinema goers: Please have consideration for pirated DVD viewers by stocking up on snacks and using the restroom BEFORE the film starts.

Rappers: Avoid having to say 'know what I'm sayin' all the time by actually speaking clearly in the first place.

Don't waste money on expensive paper shredders to avoid having your identity stolen. Simply place a few dog turds in the bin bags along with your old bank statements.

Red Wine Drinkers: Worried that your teeth will be stained after a heavy night of drinking red wine? Simply drink a bottle of white wine before going to bed to remove the stains.

Soldiers: Invest in a digital camera to avoid all that court martial tomfoolery after a trip to Trueprint.

Murderers: Need to dispose of a body? Simply parcel it up and post it to yourself COD, then refuse delivery.

Burglars: When fleeing from the police, run with your right arm sticking Out at 90 degrees, wrapped in a baby mattress in case they set one of their dogs on you.

Employers: avoid hiring unlucky people by randomly tossing half the applications into the wastebin.

Salad Lovers: A clever way to store lettuce, cabbage and the like is to individually punch holes in the leaves and place them in a ringbinder in the fridge. File cos under 'C', iceberg under 'I' and so on. Simple!

Shoe Bombers: Increase your payload by becoming a clown.

Would-be Criminals: Before you commit a crime, get a foretaste of what the world would look like from inside a prison by holding a fork up close to your eye.

(British) Drunk drivers: When making your way home from a night out, put 'L' plates on your car to convince patrol-ling police that any careless driving is the result of inexperience rather than drink. How you explain a 3am driving lesson is up to you.

Police: Save money on expensive sirens by putting a stray dog on the roof of your patrol car and shutting the door on its tail before responding to a call.

General Officers: Win wars by joining the other side and then letting your fire control crews and radio operators get boozed up.

Skateboarders: Stop your trousers from falling halfway down your arse by wearing a strip of perforated leather with a buckle around your waist.

Single men: Get a glimpse of married life by taping Woman's Hour on BBC Radio 4, then playing it back at a higher volume than the TV whilst trying to watch ESPN.

Winter fun: Enjoy indoor snorkling by filling a bath with water, then removing the plug quickly putting your mouth over it and breathing through the overflow.

Leprechauns: Protect your finances by investing in a mutual fund, rather than relying on an ailing currency and leaving a 300 foot technicolour arrow in the sky pointing to where you have hidden it.

Bare patches on your lawn? Simply stop mowing a patch at the side and let it grow to a significant length. Then, with a rake, sweep it over the bare patch like Bill Gothard does to his hair.

Nervous people: Never chew the inside of your cheeks whilst on high strength prescription painkillers.

Gamblers: For a new gambling opportunity, try sending a £50 note to yourself by Royal Mail.

Hammer nails through a cricket ball and roll it around in fallen leaves. Hey presto! An Autumn snowball. Cheap and great fun for the kids.

Mothers: Don't use poisonous shampoos on your children's hair to get rid of headlice. Scare them away using a dinner plate and an anglepoise lamp to cast a terrifying 'Independence Day' shadow over your child's head.

Ladies: Putting your mouth and chin inside a pint glass and sucking hard for three minutes is an excellent way to give yourself a "Fred Flintstone" five o'clock shadow.

Busy executives: Don't buy a Dachshund. Their amusing sausage shape means they take 50% longer to stroke than other dogs, and time is money.

Don't waste money on a new car with air-conditioning. Simply buy one that has been in a 'death crash' and let the ghosts keep you cool.

In a rush? Cook your breakfast egg in half the time by replacing the water in the pan with commercially available brake fluid, which boils at 200C.

Prevent burglars stealing everything in the house by simply moving everything in the house into your bedroom when you go to bed. In the morning, simply move it all back again.

Save money on expensive surround sound home cinema systems by only watching films when the appropriate noises are going on outside, e.g., watch horror movies when there is a storm on, or cowboy films whilst local drug gangs are fighting it out in the street.

Depressed people: Instead of attempting suicide as a 'cry for help', simply shout 'Help!' thus saving money on paracetamol, etc.

Motorists: Avoid getting prosecuted for using your phone while driving. Simply pop your mobile inside a large shell and the police will think you are listening to the sea.

Alcoholics: Don't worry where the next drink is coming from. Go to the pub, where a large selection is available at retail prices.