Once Mary had a little lamb,
Her father shot it dead.
Now it goes to school with her
Between two hunks of bread.
Tuesday, January 31, 2006
Monday, January 30, 2006
Top Tips
(courtesy in part of Viz magazine)
Don't waste money on expensive iPods. Simply think of your favourite tune and hum it. If you want to "switch tracks", simply think of another song you like and hum that instead.
Cinema goers: Please have consideration for pirated DVD viewers by stocking up on snacks and using the restroom BEFORE the film starts.
Rappers: Avoid having to say 'know what I'm sayin' all the time by actually speaking clearly in the first place.
Don't waste money on expensive paper shredders to avoid having your identity stolen. Simply place a few dog turds in the bin bags along with your old bank statements.
Red Wine Drinkers: Worried that your teeth will be stained after a heavy night of drinking red wine? Simply drink a bottle of white wine before going to bed to remove the stains.
Soldiers: Invest in a digital camera to avoid all that court martial tomfoolery after a trip to Trueprint.
Murderers: Need to dispose of a body? Simply parcel it up and post it to yourself COD, then refuse delivery.
Burglars: When fleeing from the police, run with your right arm sticking Out at 90 degrees, wrapped in a baby mattress in case they set one of their dogs on you.
Employers: avoid hiring unlucky people by randomly tossing half the applications into the wastebin.
Salad Lovers: A clever way to store lettuce, cabbage and the like is to individually punch holes in the leaves and place them in a ringbinder in the fridge. File cos under 'C', iceberg under 'I' and so on. Simple!
Shoe Bombers: Increase your payload by becoming a clown.
Would-be Criminals: Before you commit a crime, get a foretaste of what the world would look like from inside a prison by holding a fork up close to your eye.
(British) Drunk drivers: When making your way home from a night out, put 'L' plates on your car to convince patrol-ling police that any careless driving is the result of inexperience rather than drink. How you explain a 3am driving lesson is up to you.
Police: Save money on expensive sirens by putting a stray dog on the roof of your patrol car and shutting the door on its tail before responding to a call.
General Officers: Win wars by joining the other side and then letting your fire control crews and radio operators get boozed up.
Skateboarders: Stop your trousers from falling halfway down your arse by wearing a strip of perforated leather with a buckle around your waist.
Single men: Get a glimpse of married life by taping Woman's Hour on BBC Radio 4, then playing it back at a higher volume than the TV whilst trying to watch ESPN.
Winter fun: Enjoy indoor snorkling by filling a bath with water, then removing the plug quickly putting your mouth over it and breathing through the overflow.
Leprechauns: Protect your finances by investing in a mutual fund, rather than relying on an ailing currency and leaving a 300 foot technicolour arrow in the sky pointing to where you have hidden it.
Bare patches on your lawn? Simply stop mowing a patch at the side and let it grow to a significant length. Then, with a rake, sweep it over the bare patch like Bill Gothard does to his hair.
Nervous people: Never chew the inside of your cheeks whilst on high strength prescription painkillers.
Gamblers: For a new gambling opportunity, try sending a £50 note to yourself by Royal Mail.
Hammer nails through a cricket ball and roll it around in fallen leaves. Hey presto! An Autumn snowball. Cheap and great fun for the kids.
Mothers: Don't use poisonous shampoos on your children's hair to get rid of headlice. Scare them away using a dinner plate and an anglepoise lamp to cast a terrifying 'Independence Day' shadow over your child's head.
Ladies: Putting your mouth and chin inside a pint glass and sucking hard for three minutes is an excellent way to give yourself a "Fred Flintstone" five o'clock shadow.
Busy executives: Don't buy a Dachshund. Their amusing sausage shape means they take 50% longer to stroke than other dogs, and time is money.
Don't waste money on a new car with air-conditioning. Simply buy one that has been in a 'death crash' and let the ghosts keep you cool.
In a rush? Cook your breakfast egg in half the time by replacing the water in the pan with commercially available brake fluid, which boils at 200C.
Prevent burglars stealing everything in the house by simply moving everything in the house into your bedroom when you go to bed. In the morning, simply move it all back again.
Save money on expensive surround sound home cinema systems by only watching films when the appropriate noises are going on outside, e.g., watch horror movies when there is a storm on, or cowboy films whilst local drug gangs are fighting it out in the street.
Depressed people: Instead of attempting suicide as a 'cry for help', simply shout 'Help!' thus saving money on paracetamol, etc.
Motorists: Avoid getting prosecuted for using your phone while driving. Simply pop your mobile inside a large shell and the police will think you are listening to the sea.
Alcoholics: Don't worry where the next drink is coming from. Go to the pub, where a large selection is available at retail prices.
Don't waste money on expensive iPods. Simply think of your favourite tune and hum it. If you want to "switch tracks", simply think of another song you like and hum that instead.
Cinema goers: Please have consideration for pirated DVD viewers by stocking up on snacks and using the restroom BEFORE the film starts.
Rappers: Avoid having to say 'know what I'm sayin' all the time by actually speaking clearly in the first place.
Don't waste money on expensive paper shredders to avoid having your identity stolen. Simply place a few dog turds in the bin bags along with your old bank statements.
Red Wine Drinkers: Worried that your teeth will be stained after a heavy night of drinking red wine? Simply drink a bottle of white wine before going to bed to remove the stains.
Soldiers: Invest in a digital camera to avoid all that court martial tomfoolery after a trip to Trueprint.
Murderers: Need to dispose of a body? Simply parcel it up and post it to yourself COD, then refuse delivery.
Burglars: When fleeing from the police, run with your right arm sticking Out at 90 degrees, wrapped in a baby mattress in case they set one of their dogs on you.
Employers: avoid hiring unlucky people by randomly tossing half the applications into the wastebin.
Salad Lovers: A clever way to store lettuce, cabbage and the like is to individually punch holes in the leaves and place them in a ringbinder in the fridge. File cos under 'C', iceberg under 'I' and so on. Simple!
Shoe Bombers: Increase your payload by becoming a clown.
Would-be Criminals: Before you commit a crime, get a foretaste of what the world would look like from inside a prison by holding a fork up close to your eye.
(British) Drunk drivers: When making your way home from a night out, put 'L' plates on your car to convince patrol-ling police that any careless driving is the result of inexperience rather than drink. How you explain a 3am driving lesson is up to you.
Police: Save money on expensive sirens by putting a stray dog on the roof of your patrol car and shutting the door on its tail before responding to a call.
General Officers: Win wars by joining the other side and then letting your fire control crews and radio operators get boozed up.
Skateboarders: Stop your trousers from falling halfway down your arse by wearing a strip of perforated leather with a buckle around your waist.
Single men: Get a glimpse of married life by taping Woman's Hour on BBC Radio 4, then playing it back at a higher volume than the TV whilst trying to watch ESPN.
Winter fun: Enjoy indoor snorkling by filling a bath with water, then removing the plug quickly putting your mouth over it and breathing through the overflow.
Leprechauns: Protect your finances by investing in a mutual fund, rather than relying on an ailing currency and leaving a 300 foot technicolour arrow in the sky pointing to where you have hidden it.
Bare patches on your lawn? Simply stop mowing a patch at the side and let it grow to a significant length. Then, with a rake, sweep it over the bare patch like Bill Gothard does to his hair.
Nervous people: Never chew the inside of your cheeks whilst on high strength prescription painkillers.
Gamblers: For a new gambling opportunity, try sending a £50 note to yourself by Royal Mail.
Hammer nails through a cricket ball and roll it around in fallen leaves. Hey presto! An Autumn snowball. Cheap and great fun for the kids.
Mothers: Don't use poisonous shampoos on your children's hair to get rid of headlice. Scare them away using a dinner plate and an anglepoise lamp to cast a terrifying 'Independence Day' shadow over your child's head.
Ladies: Putting your mouth and chin inside a pint glass and sucking hard for three minutes is an excellent way to give yourself a "Fred Flintstone" five o'clock shadow.
Busy executives: Don't buy a Dachshund. Their amusing sausage shape means they take 50% longer to stroke than other dogs, and time is money.
Don't waste money on a new car with air-conditioning. Simply buy one that has been in a 'death crash' and let the ghosts keep you cool.
In a rush? Cook your breakfast egg in half the time by replacing the water in the pan with commercially available brake fluid, which boils at 200C.
Prevent burglars stealing everything in the house by simply moving everything in the house into your bedroom when you go to bed. In the morning, simply move it all back again.
Save money on expensive surround sound home cinema systems by only watching films when the appropriate noises are going on outside, e.g., watch horror movies when there is a storm on, or cowboy films whilst local drug gangs are fighting it out in the street.
Depressed people: Instead of attempting suicide as a 'cry for help', simply shout 'Help!' thus saving money on paracetamol, etc.
Motorists: Avoid getting prosecuted for using your phone while driving. Simply pop your mobile inside a large shell and the police will think you are listening to the sea.
Alcoholics: Don't worry where the next drink is coming from. Go to the pub, where a large selection is available at retail prices.
Thursday, January 26, 2006
Guns and Legislators
Va. Delegate Accidentally Discharges Gun in State Capitol. Fortunately, the bullet was stopped by a bulletproof vest hanging in his office. Rumor has it that the Capitol Police will be installing kevlar in the offices of all the Senators and Delegates to prevent any future such accidents causing injury. Said Capt. Jack Starling of the Capitol Police, "We think our elected officials should have their own padded rooms."
Tuesday, January 24, 2006
Vacuums
I had an idea for a cartoon, but lacking the time and not being much of an artist, will merely describe it to you:
There is this display in a department store, standing on it are a number of upright vacuum cleaners, each sporting custom looks - one with the upright composed of a Tiki deity, complete with scary wooden mask, another a multi-armed Hindu god, one to hold each attachment, a third a little Bhodisat, whose fat belly inflates when the cleaner is turned on, and so on. At the top of the display is a banner proclaiming, "Sale on God-Shaped Vacuums--Get one in your life."
Which brings me to the second part of this post: there are some amazing logical progressions which flow from acceptance of the tritism that there is a God-shaped vacuum in every life.
For example:
1) There is a God-Shaped Vacuum in every life (given)
2) God is infinite in dimensions (definition)
3) Infinity cannot be reproduced except to scale (given; definitional from mathematics)
4) A model (shape) of an infinite item must be of 1:1 scale (restatement of 3)
5) A God-shaped item must be infinite in dimensions (Barbara of 2,4)
6) A vacuum contains no matter (definition)
7) A God-shaped vacuum is a space of infinite dimensions containing no matter. (Barbara of 5,6)
8) A "universe" is a space containing matter. (definition)
9) An infinite space containing no matter precludes the existence of matter (tautology)
10) The universe cannot exist. (QED)
If we were to insist that the God-shaped vacuum is in a spiritual plane, we would require that "life" (or "heart" if you wish) also be in that plane, thereby precluding the possibility of human life/heart.
There is this display in a department store, standing on it are a number of upright vacuum cleaners, each sporting custom looks - one with the upright composed of a Tiki deity, complete with scary wooden mask, another a multi-armed Hindu god, one to hold each attachment, a third a little Bhodisat, whose fat belly inflates when the cleaner is turned on, and so on. At the top of the display is a banner proclaiming, "Sale on God-Shaped Vacuums--Get one in your life."
Which brings me to the second part of this post: there are some amazing logical progressions which flow from acceptance of the tritism that there is a God-shaped vacuum in every life.
For example:
1) There is a God-Shaped Vacuum in every life (given)
2) God is infinite in dimensions (definition)
3) Infinity cannot be reproduced except to scale (given; definitional from mathematics)
4) A model (shape) of an infinite item must be of 1:1 scale (restatement of 3)
5) A God-shaped item must be infinite in dimensions (Barbara of 2,4)
6) A vacuum contains no matter (definition)
7) A God-shaped vacuum is a space of infinite dimensions containing no matter. (Barbara of 5,6)
8) A "universe" is a space containing matter. (definition)
9) An infinite space containing no matter precludes the existence of matter (tautology)
10) The universe cannot exist. (QED)
If we were to insist that the God-shaped vacuum is in a spiritual plane, we would require that "life" (or "heart" if you wish) also be in that plane, thereby precluding the possibility of human life/heart.
Monday, January 23, 2006
Swedes intervene, get Saudis to allow women to watch soccer
Quick article link to illustrate why we have a culture war with that part of the world.
http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/world/europe/4623572.stm
http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/world/europe/4623572.stm
Wednesday, January 18, 2006
Full of hope in the US legal system
Yes, the system really works. California today sentenced the woman and man who falsely claimed finding a finger in their Wendy's chili to a combined total of more than 19 long ones in the state hotel.
Aside from my preference for non-prison sentencing (restitution, community service, etc.), I am glad to see that our oft-criticized courts are quite capable of defending themselves.
Aside from my preference for non-prison sentencing (restitution, community service, etc.), I am glad to see that our oft-criticized courts are quite capable of defending themselves.
Thursday, January 12, 2006
Which Historical General Are You?
Note - I broke the test's website, so the following is the best recreation I could manage based on their source coding, given that I didn't want to devote much time to it. LeCampeador complains about the tactical judgments of the testmaker, but I think LeCampeador just overrates his own abilities.
 |
You scored 55 Wisdom, 81 Tactics, 40 Guts, and 47 Ruthlessness. |
| Roman military and political leader. He was instrumental in the transformation of the Roman Republic into the Roman Empire. His conquest of Gallia Comata extended the Roman world all the way to the Atlantic Ocean, introducing Roman influence into what has become modern France, an accomplishment of which direct consequences are visible to this day. In 55 BC Caesar launched the first Roman invasion of Britain. Caesar fought and won a civil war which left him undisputed master of the Roman world, and began extensive reforms of Roman society and government. He was proclaimed dictator for life, and heavily centralized the already faltering government of the weak Republic. Caesar's friend Marcus Brutus conspired with others to assassinate Caesar in hopes of saving the Republic. The dramatic assassination on the Ides of March was the catalyst for a second set of civil wars, which marked the end of the Roman Republic and the beginning of the Roman Empire under Caesar's grand-nephew and adopted son Octavian, later known as Caesar Augustus. Caesar's military campaigns are known in detail from his own written Commentaries (Commentarii), and many details of his life are recorded by later historians such as Suetonius, Plutarch, and Cassius Dio. |
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Tuesday, January 10, 2006
Frozen Dead People
Today's rhetorical question is brought to you by Nederland, Colorado mayor Jim Miller:
"What's the difference between storing frozen loved ones in your basement as opposed to incinerating loved ones and putting their ashes on your mantel?"
Well, for one, frozen loved ones take up more space. This is balanced by the fact that incinerated loved ones don't have that cool frosty blue look. Also, it is probably a little more emotionally traumatic if the dog gets into the frozen ones.
Interestingly, the comment was proffered "to send a message to French officials that they shouldn't be so uptight," a message worth sending under any circumstances that don't involve armpit hair.
For context, see http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/europe/4600192.stm and http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/europe/1872334.stm
"What's the difference between storing frozen loved ones in your basement as opposed to incinerating loved ones and putting their ashes on your mantel?"
Well, for one, frozen loved ones take up more space. This is balanced by the fact that incinerated loved ones don't have that cool frosty blue look. Also, it is probably a little more emotionally traumatic if the dog gets into the frozen ones.
Interestingly, the comment was proffered "to send a message to French officials that they shouldn't be so uptight," a message worth sending under any circumstances that don't involve armpit hair.
For context, see http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/europe/4600192.stm and http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/europe/1872334.stm
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