Fed Cuts Interest Rate Below 0%

"Desperate times call for desperate measures," says Fed Chairman Ben Bernanke.

WASHINGTON - After the meeting of the Federal Reserve Board this afternoon, the Fed has announced that it is cutting its funds rate to -0.5% for the first time in history. "Given the current economy's sluggishness, we thought it would be a good idea to literally pay people to take our money," commented Bernanke at a press conference to announce the decision, "Hopefully, this will restart consumer spending without consumers having to worry about where they will get the money to pay off the loan, not that they really ever worry about that anyway. Instead, the consumer can focus on making purchases, secure in the knowledge that the loan will actually get smaller over time." When asked about the danger of consumers making no maintenance payments on the loan, but letting the loan simply dissipate over time, Bernanke dismissed the idea. "Negative interest just doesn't work that way. We have a whole new paradigm to work with. It's an actual example of the cricket that always jumps half the distance and can never get to his target." After letting his eyes glaze over while doing some quick math in his head, the Fed chief finished by stating, "besides, at a mere negative half point, even after fifty years, less than a third of the debt will have paid itself off; at that point, you're applying barely over 30 cents on the thousand dollars. It would be several hundred years before you would even start to have significant rounding errors."